


The Worst Pirate I've Ever Seen

by ScarfyTheShipster



Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: Adventure, Canon-Typical Violence, Comedy, Crimes & Criminals, Dark Comedy, Disaster and Hilarity, Gen, Heist, Humor, Julian Devorak's Route, Pirates, Pre-Canon, Sailing, come on they're pirates, fun times, this might qualify as crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-20
Updated: 2018-08-20
Packaged: 2019-06-30 09:01:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15748518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScarfyTheShipster/pseuds/ScarfyTheShipster
Summary: Julian's eyes widened. "This is- this is harebrained even for me. Absolutely bonkers. You can't be serious."-~-The wildest pirate adventure of Julian's career as a professional scoundrel I could possibly plot for your reading pleasure. Ahoy!





	The Worst Pirate I've Ever Seen

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't tag as graphic violence but there is some discussion of blood and Lucio losing his arm being Gross
> 
> Enjoy! This is my favorite Arcana fic I've written to date :D

Coarse rope swayed under the calloused soles of Julian's feet and his roughened hands as he bounded up the ship's rigging. Ocean waves crashed below him in the darkness, a comforting constant din. He grinned as he hauled himself into the crow's nest, ignoring a disdainful caw of an actual crow kept caged on the lookout point. 

This was his favorite part of seafaring- the serene ocean glistening in the starlight. Adventure awaited in every direction, the wild breeze soaring in his ears calling to his heart to wander forever. He gazed up at the sky through his windswept locks and rehearsed his constellation charts, verifying that the ship was headed west as planned. It was peaceful, lovely, stunning-

"I think I have scurvy."

Julian groaned, not even needing to turn around to look at the man behind him. "You don't have scurvy."

"You sure?" The pirate in the crow's nest with him was the picture of perfect somewhat sunburnt health. The only thing Julian could prescribe was rest for the circles around the man's eyes.

"We've been over this. You're homesick."

It earned him a loud sniffle. "I DON'T have FEELINGS!"

Julian was ship medic, which on occasion turned into drinking buddy, comic relief, and unofficial therapist. He wasn't even supposed to be a pirate in the first place, but he'd been plundered from a trade ship and conscripted into a life of piracy, spared for his abundant charisma and charm and he supposed for his (dubious) medical abilities.

The main difference between the spice traders and the pirates was marked increase in personal drama.

"Well I've made damn sure that you're all eating like you live in a tropical pineapple scented paradise, so admit that you're sad and don't have scurvy!"

The sailor sighed. "I might cash in next port we fall into. Take my share, settle down. The sea changes you."

"And people say I'M dramatic."

"You are!"

Julian watched dawn crest over the sea, pleased to see land in the distance, and less pleased when he realized what land it was. "Captain!"

The pirate captain was a younger, respectable man as far as pirates went. He raised his eyebrows under his tricorn hat at Julian, prepared for antics of some kind. "Yes, Devorak?"

"Is there a particular reason we're sailing towards Vesuvia?"

"Sure. It's a small country- but absolutely filled to the gills with gold. Run by some bratty blond no one else will bother defending."

Julian coughed. "Yes, well. I've met this bratty blond. I ah, amputated his arm, in fact."

The captain roared with laughter. "Excellent! You'll have to tell me all about it."

Julian explained it later to the captain and first mate below deck, embellishing only harmless details of the battle- as if either of them believed Julian had truly killed any jaded warriors while simultaneously crouched under cover with Lucio, terrified for his life. He delighted in acting out Lucio's whiny, self absorbed floundering and rage at needing his grievously wounded limb cut off crudely in a war camp tent, sharing a laugh at the concept of a man who denied defeat even at death's door.

The first mate was particularly amused. She grinned at Julian. "I hear Lucio got a real wonder to replace his arm- an alchemical beauty made of pure gold."

The captain laughed. "Say, Devorak- wouldn't it be incredible to take his arm again? Ha!"

Julian laughed.

And kept laughing.

Oh, what a delectable joke!

He finally breathed again and his crewmates were looking at him expectantly. Julian's eyes widened. "This is- this is harebrained even for me. Absolutely bonkers. You can't be serious."

The captain mused for a moment. "Vesuvia itself wouldn't be difficult to loot- quick in and out disguised as a merchant ship as we hustle around the port and terrorize some small fry. Now, Lucio is an idiot. His arm is completely solid gold, magic, and power. It's likely the most valuable object we know of. If we can get inside the palace with you as our In to distract him- forget the city! The palace is full of so many riches they won't notice what's gone!"

"So you want me to infiltrate the palace, let our crew loot to their heart's content, and if possible steal Lucio's arm?"

"Yeah."

Julian stared in disbelief. "That's the worst scheme I've ever heard."

The first mate scowled, disappointment on her tanned features. "So, we're not storming the castle?"

Julian smirked. "I've never looked forward to anything more in my entire life."

-~-

Julian was filled with dread.

It wasn't out of fondness for Lucio. No, if there was anyone who deserved to have pirates ransack their house, it was Lucio. This was the most righteous conquest so far in Julian's life as a professional scoundrel. Lucio was volatile at best and he'd have to tread carefully.

They made port with ease, looking for all the world like honest merchants. Pirates could clean up well if they liked- Julian had even sacrificed the last of his apricot oil soap to the cause. Julian let the majority of the crew do as they pleased in the city and led the first mate and a few more respectable looking pirates to the palace. 

The palace guards blocked the gate, glaring at Julian. "Password?"

Julian stood tall, grinning widely. "Tell Lucio Doctor Jules is here to ah, check up on him. I come with greetings for an old friend."

One guard left and the other employee eyed him. "You cut his arm off, right?"

"Yes- our relationship is rather complicated."

The remaining guard lowered their voice to a conspiratorial whisper. "Was it gross? Like blood everywhere?"

"Appallingly so. Gushing blood and torn muscle sinew everywhere. I had to cauterize the wound."

"Ew." They looked delighted.

The other guard returned and waved them through the gate. Julian eyed the moat under the grand bridge to the palace with suspicion. Long curvy shapes drifted in the water and one of his crew members looked over with wide eyes. "Vampire eels?"

"Yeah Aislinn," said the first mate. "Don't jump in no matter what you do. Didn't think this guy was the type to have exotic pets all over."

Right on cue, Mercedes and Melchior bounded out of the palace foyer barking and snarling. Julian put himself in front of his crew, blocking the huge white dogs as they yipped and tried to jump him. "Ack! It's ME! Come on guys!"

Lucio himself followed the dogs, grinning widely and taking his time to call them off. His voice was as raspy and high pitched as Julian remembered- a perfect balance of sinister and annoying with a shot of whiny. "Alright, alright. It's just Jules!" His gold trimmed white blazer was roguishly open to reveal toned muscle under his red decorated sash. Despite the provocative neglect of buttons and regal shoulder cape, Lucio's arm still stood out the most. Typical that he'd want to draw attention to his wealth with every first impression. "Doctor Jules- finally dropped by to apologize?"

Julian had expected this. "I wanted to check in on an old friend when I found out my merchant ship was headed to Vesuvia. May we talk somewhere without my entourage? We've been at sea for months and I'm sure they could use-"

Lucio waved his hand dismissively. "Yes yes, go ask some servants for rum or whatever else it is I don't drink."

This was ridiculously easy. The first mate grinned at waved at Julian. "We'll be enjoying the grandeur and hospitality, see you later!"

Lucio sighed loudly. "You must be so low in life, Jules, trouncing around with sailors who barely have soles on their shoes. Rustic. Abhorrent. Please, have something civilized to drink with me while we discuss your employment."

"My what?!"

Lucio plopped down on a couch in a vast private parlor complete with floor to ceiling windows and a balcony. They faced a huge magical fish tank that took up an entire wall, housing a deadly gorgeous lionfish the size of Julian's torso. Julian busied himself with staring at the vivid coral rock sculptures and swaying deep sea plants in the tank. Lucio poured a glass of wine for himself. "Come on Jules- surely you'd rather work for me. If I travel, it's in class."

Julian held back a groan. Prolonged exposure to Lucio would be a blight upon his soul. "I'm quite content. I booked free passage providing medical expertise and I've seen more of the world than ever before- even took a trip back to Praka."

"Ah, Praka!" Lucio sipped his wine, slouched and uncaring about Julian's tensed posture. "The prettiest girls are from Praka, you know. Goddesses, all of them. Meet any lovely ladies there?"

Julian floundered. This wasn't how he imagined this conversation going. "Er- at least seven."

"Seven? Jules, you've GOT to get out more!" Lucio winked. "Don't you owe me some company? Have a drink, I insist!"

"Ah- coffee, if you please." Lucio snapped his fingers for a servant and Julian's mind raced. His companions were likely already looting what they could get away with like kids at a sweets stall, and he didn't have too much time no matter how smooth and rich the coffee brew. "Do you mind if I take a look at you? I am rather sorry about the amputation- nasty business."

"As you should be."

"I don't delight in harming others!" Julian took a sip of his coffee when a servant brought it to him and stood up, circling behind Lucio. He brought his hands down to his shoulders and squeezed, feeling the joining of metal to flesh under the guise of giving Lucio a massage. "It doesn't pain you, does it?"

"Only my pride!" exclaimed Lucio.

Julian felt around as much as he could without getting caught. There didn't seem to be a catch or release mechanism on it, and it felt seamlessly grafted to Lucio's flesh. "Magic?" he asked.

"Of course- what else would it be?" Lucio finished his glass of wine and poured another. Julian noted that it was barely 9 AM and scowled with judgement, even if he also was prone to bouts of day drinking. "If not now, since you're so inclined to take a slow boat everywhere, then in the future- I insist you'll be my official physician. If I have need of you, I expect you to be here."

Julian wasn't one to turn down future job prospects, and keeping Lucio happy was key as he withdrew his hands. "Of course. I'd be honored."

"Good!" Lucio yawned and Julian's ears twitched as he thought he heard a commotion in the distance. "I have an execution to freshen up for- what's that noise?"

Julian panicked. He needed to distract Lucio and followed his basic instincts. "I must leave!" he exclaimed. With a dramatic spin on his feet he chugged the rest of his coffee and sprinted out a window with a horrifying, all consuming crash of glass as he hurtled through the air to the eel infested moat. 

"What the FUCK!" Lucio blinked at the glass shards all over the floor and laughed at Julian's high pitched screams of horror as he fell down into the water. Lucio didn't even bother getting up, shaking his head and drinking directly from his wine bottle. "Typical Jules. SOMEBODY NEEDS TO FIX THIS WINDOW!"

Julian belatedly remembered the pet vampire eels and screeched, flailing in the swirling depths as something sank fangs into his thigh. He managed to kick it off and frantically scramble to shore, running with adrenaline pumping so hard through him he crashed into a street vendor's cart. "MY CABBAGES!" he wailed.

"I'M SORRY!" Julian haphazardly bolted through the crowded streets, soaking wet, limping, and injured with bloodied cuts all over his face and hands. Many people shrieked at seeing him and helpfully ducked out of the way. 

What he didn't expect was to be physically grabbed as he turned down a side street. He readied himself to fight but paused as he realized his would be attacker was a small older woman giving him a stern look. "I- I gotta go I'm so sorry-"

She spoke in a strong accent that reminded Julian's salty heart achingly of home. "You've got to be the worst pirate I've ever seen."

Julian laughed nervously. "Pirate? You must be-"

"I'm coming with you."

"Uh, what?"

"I'm Mazelinka." She jerked her head back down the street. "I live down there. You'll need to remember that when you're back."

"I-"

"You are a disaster, boy!" She snapped. "I make a better pirate than you!" She thrust a small package at him. "For your injuries. I knew you'd need them. I see much."

Julian melted under her short glare and led her to the docks, unsure why he suddenly trusted Mazelinka with his life. "Call me Ilya."

She chuckled at him and remained silent. Julian got the bizarre feeling he'd just been adopted.

-~-

The pirate captain stared at Julian with disbelief. The crew gathered around their exquisitely expensive spoils dumped out on the table, already sailing off to another country to pawn off things such as a priceless vase and large amounts of ruby jewelry. "You went to steal Lucio's arm and came back with an entire old woman?"

Julian blushed. "Yes."

The captain grinned at Mazelinka. "Welcome aboard. Devorak's outdone himself! We needed a lookout since Scurvy Boy left us this very morning."

Julian smirked and rummaged in his pockets. "Now, I don't want you to think I'd come back, ah, empty handed?" He held up a piece of carved gold on a short vibrant violet ribbon, a token of the shoulder rub he'd given Lucio. "Think one of Lucio's war metals will fetch a pretty price?"

The gathered crew cheered and clapped him on the back as he tossed it on the table. With luck, Lucio would blame the loss on a blacked out partying episode. Julian excused himself for some fresh air and leaned on the railing, sighing as he gazed up at the cloudy sky.

The first mate lounged next to him, grinning as the wind whipped their hair. "Say, Devorak- ever thought of getting an eyepatch? It'd look good on you."

Julian snorted. "That's HIGHLY unlikely."

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I went a little overboard (lmao) with how extra some of this is but I had a blast and hope you guys enjoyed 
> 
> Dedicated to my dear friend Cass- the biggest lover of pirates I know. Thanks for inspiring me!


End file.
